National Suicide Prevention Day

September 10, 2016


This photo was taken as part of a project-- Steve Rosenfield Photography - What I Be Project. My insecurity at the time, the one I was ashamed to admit, was my fear that my mental illness and my dark times were the most interesting thing about me. That I didn't know who I was without my illness, that even if I was stronger than my illness, I was still defined by it. I almost wanted to be defined by it, because defeating my demons was the strongest thing I had ever done. And yet I knew I had to stop living in my past, and start finding who I was meant to be.




Today, I know I am more than my mental illness. My issues do not hold me back. I've stopped including my diagnoses as the follow up to my name when I introduce myself. Even if this pain made me who I am, it does not define me anymore. I have strength that is based in more than my mental health. I have a future that no longer relies on my past.


Today marks National Suicide Prevention Day. I am in a place today I never imagined I would be: I am alive, and I am happy. That word never made sense to me: Happy. It was elusive and strange to a girl who lived her life under a dark cloud of depression and over-medication. While there is a part of me that never wants to look back on the dark times, I know they are part of the woman I have become. It probably won't surprise anyone here that I consider myself a suicide survivor, meaning I survived the cruel and unending reality of suicidal thoughts and ideation. My parents fought for me. My community was there for me as much as they could, and especially after I started speaking out about my story. I am no longer angry, or even sad about the time I lost. Because today I realize how much time I have gained by choosing life. The dark years will be only a speck on the dashboard of the happy times I will have because my family, my community, and my world fought to keep me here. Thank you to everyone who has been with me during my story, in all the sentences and chapters it has become.


I have finally stopped fighting.