Let's back up a bit. I'm on my third week of classes of my senior year of college. On paper, the classes sound perfect for me. I'm in Creative Journalism, Conspiracy Theories Theory, Study of Lives Psych course, and Cognitive Film Studies. I've got a couple regular babysitting jobs and my knitting is looking better than ever. My friends are back from abroad and I'm living on campus (albeit, in a significally smaller space than I am used to.) Some days, I still feel like I am breaking.
I tell myself to think positive, that this will pass. And it will, and I know that. I make sure I am taking my medications, eating right, and drinking water. I shower daily and get dressed and I go out. Even if I struggle to go through the motions, I am still miles ahead of the me that's still lying in bed.
Some nights I miss my parents and my sister because in the end, I am still growing up. I missed a lot of years in high school due to misdiagnosis, and my social skills are lacking. College can be lonely, even when you are a senior. That's okay.
The reason I cried this afternoon, walking home from Starbucks, had to do with where I am in my life. (Okay, it also had to do with my ADHD meds wearing off, but let's set that aside). I am just beginning to learn how worthy I am. How powerful I can be. How self confidence doesn't mean being conceited or entitled, but proud of the person I am and what I have become. I am learning all this, and I worry I will let myself and everyone else down.
Yes, it sounds a bit silly. One bad day does not negate all the successes I had over the week. I remind myself of this, of all the homework I finished and the good grades I'm getting even now. I finished 5,000 words of my novel this past Monday for crying out loud! I'm doing great things, and it's so easy to forget that when the world is covered in homesickness and worry.
So I think of my successes. I make lists of the things that make me happy, like high quality yarn and fancy pens and colorful stickers. I replay the conversations I have with family members when they tell me they are so proud of how far I have come. I bond with my friend Lizzette and we read self help books and bond over the best ways to practice mindfulness. I reflect on the afternoons I spent knitting on the Pitzer lawns in the sunshine, enjoying life in all its essence.
And if I need to cry, I cry. Because life can't always be stickers and yarn. But no matter how homesick I get, my family will always be a phone call away. My support team is all around me, medical, social, family, and academic. I walk across campus and I wave to everyone I see, because the past four years I have grown into the person who responds to "Rivi!" with a big smile and a wave.
Some days are good, and some days are bad. Some days are fantastic, and some days are just plain average. If you made it to your bed with your limbs intact, call it a success. Because no matter what the day looked like, it's done now, and you made it.
With love and strength,
Rivi
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