Small Talk

Am I okay? That’s the question I ask myself daily. It’s always been a complicated question for me, even before Covid. I try to answer honestly, without being too honest. American society has gone from “pretty good, you?” To “ hanging in there” and now to “all things considered? I don’t know. ” It’s no longer a small talk question and a recited answer, and that is actually pretty nice for me. 

I always take things too literally, give more information than anyone asked for, and lack the general social awareness that comes with small talk and friendly banter. I never understood the formality of asking a question with a predetermined answer, or why a full rundown of my mental health status and hormonal levels was not an adequate response to “how’s your day?”

There is a social game we all play, and I long ago decided I would not read the rules. I understand things the way my neurodivergent brain comprehends them, and as much as I try to fake it, I see the world differently. 

I see the world differently because of what I have been through, with misdiagnosis and doctors and years of quiet struggles. For once I wanted someone other than a doctor to ask me how my mental health was, someone who wasn’t listening for trigger words or symptom analysis. I wanted to give a full description of the bright points and the struggles of my summer, because summer time I could travel and live outside my own head for a few weeks. But I also wanted to say that sometimes hiking in macchu picchu is exhausting and I cried in the middle of the walk, because that has a bigger meaning to me. (Read my post here about that meaning) I couldn’t understand why I had to hold all these feelings inside, will never fully comprehend the complexities of the social game we call life.

So how am I doing today? In short, I am okay. I am writing, and I am loving that ability. I like creating this blog and creating some kind of meaning out of the absurdity that is this year and all my many years of mental health struggles and general life experience. 

I may not be the most socially experienced or adept at making small talk, but I try to make meanings through my writing. That is good enough for me. 

With love and strength,

Rivi