It's a question I ask myself far more often than I would like. As someone who prides herself on spending time and energy fighting the stigma of mental illness and doing the self work to be a strong independent woman... I wish I could say I knew the answer to this question. Depression is a tricky beast.
I’ve struggled with depression since I was 12 years old. While it was initially misdiagnosed as Bipolar likely due to my undiagnosed neurodivergence (Autism Spectrum Disorder and ADHD), this is a struggle I know all too well.
I lost two grandparents in under two weeks. It is too much loss for me, the grief can feel overwhelming. And yet, it is not the grief that takes me over. It is the melancholy, the mundanity of living. I feel everything and nothing all at once.
My neurodivergence has been labeled as many things throughout my life. I was a "highly sensitive child" and "easily overstimulated". I was quirky and particular. I was wise beyond my years, an old soul trapped in a prepubescent body. I was all of these things and more.
And so I return, again and again, to this question of depression. Depression is clinical, it's serious, it's a cause for concern. I don't know if I'm concerned. Should I be?
Because I'm doing everything right. I'm going to the climbing gym, I'm engaged in my teaching work, I'm sleeping deeply with my bedtime rituals. But there are times I don't feel quite right.
Depression lives in me, the same way creativity and passion do. It is a beast I cannot tame, but one I can listen to.
I keep my hands busy and my mind engaged. I journal. I write. That is the tool that has freed me from this cage of depression, again and again. Writing sets me free.
And so whether or not this is seasonal depression, or very natural grief, or my time of the month, or maybe I'm sick...it matters less what it is, and more in how I frame it.
I am strong, and resilient, and brave. I have quieted this beast before and I will again. I have a community of loved ones ready and willing for whatever support I need.
Regardless, I will make it through.
