I used to hold the idea of self care in such high regard. One of my best friends, Arielle Davis (a blessed memory) and I used to makes jokes about “treat yo self”, a concept popularized by one of our favorite shows, Parks and Recreation. We’d have shopping sprees at target and late night sushi runs.
And these hold so much treasure to me now, because they are my favorite memories together. But as I have gotten older, understood my neurodivergence and my brain, and learned more and more about healthy coping mechanisms, I’ve come to the somewhat disappointing epiphany that self care should be, well, boring.
These days, self care for me is going to bed early and not playing on my phone in bed. It’s brushing my teeth and cleaning my kitchen even when I don’t feel like it. It’s choosing to eat strawberries instead of chocolate cake. It’s a dozen little things, small choices, that keep me in working condition. It's system mantainence. It's caring for my body and my mind. It is, in the truest form, self care.
One of my favorite DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) acronyms is HALT: hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I have been able to halt countless meltdowns simply by checking in on those four needs.
If I’m hungry, I eat something, ideally with protein and not too sugary. Drinking water also falls under this category. It's honestly pretty funny how many times I can stop after H-- feeding myself, getting my blood sugar up and my hunger met, can shift my whole mood.
If I’m feeling angry, I’ll pause and journal, either on my phone in a note taking app, on handwritten in my bullet journal. Anger, for me, usually merely hides a different emotion or acts to block out a solvable problem. By taking time to sit with my thoughts and process what I am feeling, I am able to work through the issue— or at the very least, have more clarity around what’s bothering me.
If I am feeling lonely, I can call or text my support system. I have so many people in my orbit, so many friends and acquaintances who genuinely want to watch me succeed and help me take the steps to get there. Usually, I'll call my mom or dad, and just name the problem: "I'm feeling lonely. I don't like this feeling. Can we chat?"
I also have a mental short list of local, walkable locations where I can be around other people in a passive, nonchalant way. Peet's Coffee, where I'm writing this post, is one of those spots. My climbing gym always has familiar faces, even if I don't know their names. Sometimes, simply getting out of my apartment and into a new space, works wonders for my mindset. It gets me unstuck.
And finally, I check of my exhaustion level. I have taken steps over the past couple of years to solidify a strong bedtime routine and improve my "sleep hygiene". I'm far from perfect-- I definitely need to stop using my phone in bed-- but I end my nights at the same time every evening with a routine of a shower or bath, brushing my teeth, and taking my medication. I also call Nonny, my maternal grandmother, who is my last living grandparent. Talking to her every evening is a habit I feel lucky to have implemented almost ten years ago.
And of course, this is not to say there are not benefits to the fun and flashy self care. I am sipping my favorite rose flavored iced matcha latte at Peet's right now because I needed the motivation to do my laundry. I placed my order on the Peet's app, and that added the urgency I needed to get my laundry started and walk over to Peet's for my little self care treat.
But in the end, the important pieces of self care are boring. And that's okay. Therapy and medication and journaling and exercising aren't fun or exciting. But they are necessary, and I give credit where credit is due.
So on the nights I am in bed at 9:30 pm, feeling refreshed after a bubble bath, setting my alarm for 7 pm-- I can feel grateful for the little steps. I am grateful for all the pieces that keep me stable, all the habits that make up who I am.
If you want, comment on your favorite "boring" self care habits! I'd love to know what keeps you running.
With love and strength,
Rivi
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