Thoughts at 4 am #tbt

November 11, 2014

Thoughts at 4 am 

1.
My body collapses into consciousness,
Trying to comprehend that it’s not yet morning.
Trying to turn my difficulties into metaphor.
I wear a dull frown leftover from bad thoughts
and constant reminders of the girl that I was.

2.
I fear the light from my computer screen will wake
the two pillars of support that are lofted
at either side of me. The ones who took me in
When I couldn’t hold myself up. I can just barely hear their
restful breathing over the rumble of the mini fridge.

3.
I have friends, but the ones I have- no
the ones I consider “friends”- don’t quite
know how to support the crumbling mess
that I sometimes become. And neither do I.
But I am my own friend, so I will try to learn
to save myself. 

4.
Depression kills-
Not just the traditional, suicide, either.
It kills everything inside you, until you
feel you are just a bundle of mistakes,
trying to be forgiven for living.

5.
I am not my past mistakes. I tell myself this
quiet fact with the sun not yet risen.
The sky is a dusty gray splattered with fabricated
light. I am not my mistakes, I say.
I don’t need to disappear from the person
that I was to be able to change. 

- Rebecca Dollinger