I am brilliant; I am flawed.

About a month ago, I had a pretty long text conversation with my uncle about feminist critiques of the protagonists of coming of age novels such as "Catcher in the Rye". (Because, you know, that's the type of small talk you get with me). My argument, largely based on a piece by Roxane Gay titled "Not Here to Make Friends" revolved around the double standards of personality traits in literature depending on gender. For example, characters such as Holden Caufield in "Catcher in the Rye" are read as dark, moody, mysterious, troubled, while women are painted as unlikable, threatening, and I'll just say it, bitchy.

Our conversation then went on to the attempts by prominent women such as Tina Fey to reclaim the word "bitch", somewhat in the way the black people have reclaimed the N word. Just as with the N word, these terms are loaded with history and identity and oppression (although in very, very different ways).

Is it a good idea to self-identify as a bitch? I have done so in the past, but no longer. I will still use terms that can be seen as synonymous, such as "narcissistic", "entitled", and "manipulative". Because these terms are not gendered, I can feel as though I am reclaiming my negative qualities, or at least admitting I am flawed, without perpetuating a narrative that only women can be seen as "controlling" or "obsessive".

I call myself these things for two main reasons:

1. I am flawed and I am human, and I do not pretend to be perfect.

2. While I am flawed in some of my behaviors, I want to be able to be equally entitled to my flaws as well as entitled to the ways I excel in my life.

So, this leads to a strange paradox. I admit that I do not always work at my prime potential. I can be mean and petty and obsessive about unimportant things. At the same time, I brag about my accomplishments. I don't think I'm better than other people, but I do think that because of hard work, motivation, and privilege, I have been able to achieve some great things I am proud of. I admit my failings too. I may be a great knitter and proud that I have taught myself all my knitting skills, but I also will be the first to tell you I am a terrible driver and I am counting down the days until self driving cars. I am proud of myself and impressed by my own writing, but I know you give me a statistics problem set my brain will shut down.

Everything in balance. If you are quick to post a selfie of your hair and makeup on point, also admit to yourself and others that it took work. So often in the digital age we are quick to brag about the outcomes without acknowledging the work that goes in. Most people, women in particular, hide what it takes to work hard, and thus are unable to bask in the beauty of the end result.

You are worthy. You can achieve great things. You may be flawed in ways, but you are gifted in others. And there is no one single word or personality trait that can define your motivation, your work, and your attitude. Apologize when you are wrong but never apologize for who you are. Appreciate your greatness. You are not a one dimensional character to judge. You are human, and you are brilliant.

With love and strength,

Rivi