For me, these moments can be fleeting, but I am grateful nonetheless. They are afternoons of winding yarn and listening to a fantastic new audiobook. They are times when I feel inspired by a new project or plan. I am setting up a life for myself in Berkeley, CA, so in August I will be moving there. Thinking about that, planning my move, looking for apartments, and setting up job interviews and opportunities-- all of this gives me joy and fulfillment.
For quite some time now, I have been feeling down. Not clinically depressed, not panic attack level anxious, not the struggling dependence of ADHD, but just somewhat off. I didn't realize it fully until recently, and not until tonight, as I am writing this, am I recognizing the complexity of what I have been going through.
Social media will have you believe I am knitting up a storm of beautiful projects while laughing with my family on the weekends and holding it all together working part time at a local preschool. But that was hardly the case. Because life is never how it is on social media.
I was living my days in a fog. I would push through long and tiring days working my butt off at the preschool and feel as though I had nothing to show for it. I hated the projects I was knitting and felt deeply stuck uninspired for the first time in a long time. I was isolated from friends and family, only socializing on weekends and via FaceTime. I was holding it together, barely.
But I am shifting back to a place where I feel good. Not just average, not just managing, but truly feeling good. I often refer to my mental state as "stable". Back in the years of misdiagnosis, the doctors would use "stable" to mean "the best I could be" when in reality it was a neutral monotony and occasional smile but at least it wasn't depression or anger.
I have reclaimed the term stable now to mean independent. I am stable and I am grounded. I am balanced. I am living on my own and fending for myself and doing things I never dreamed of all those years ago. But more than just stability, now I am striving for positivity, for joy, for goodness.
Now, I'm catching those moments of goodness. That feeling of lightness that comes after checking off all the boxes on the to do list. The fascination that comes with a new book or topic to learn about. Happiness. Joy. Community. I am feeling all of it.
Sometimes you will have days when the only accomplishment is getting out of bed. Heck, there are days when maybe that's not even possible, so keeping your eyes open, watching Netflix, simply existing-- you're doing it. Social media and modern society will have you believe that if you are not out partying with perfect makeup you are not having fun. But for me, if I can smile when no one is around, that's one of the most beautiful feelings I can have.
Keep fighting. Find the little things that bring you joy, bring you balance, bring you stability. Whatever that means for you-- validate your loves and your goodness internally, because no one can take that away. I am so much more proud of myself when I learn a new stitch pattern than when I finish a big sweater project, even though the finished product is what everyone will see. I feel more accomplished for bonding with my family over the weekend than for smiling and looking cute in that one random photo that will go up on Facebook.
Shift your values to what makes you feel good. In the end, that's all that matters. And feeling good is such a good feeling.
With love and strength,
Rivi
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