Why I Write (July 27, 2020)

Today's selfie: I'm smiling.

Before anything else, I need to say thank you to everyone who has commented, liked, shared, messaged me, etc. since my last post. I have been blown away with the amount of love and support I have in my community. 

It is in these dark times when I am able to see the number of sparks and lights that are brightening my way. Depression doesn’t feel like darkness for me; rather, it feels like a heavy fog. It feels like a television with the brightness turned down all the way, a wrinkled version of the life I know is possible. 

I write about my depression, my anxiety, my ADHD, and my mental health journey for many reasons, the primary reason being this: I want to be the person I needed when I was younger. I am not striving to make some grand statement, no moral of the story here. I am simply writing my truth because writing is the best connection I know. Writing was how I expressed myself when I felt invisible. Writing was what brought me out during the darkest times of my journey in high school, and it is what lifts me up now. 

Writing gives me a purpose beyond my own struggle. Writing provides truth and value in a world of social media filtered perfection. Writing remains how I speak unspeakable truths, how I share what I hold too tightly. I hope that may connect with someone, even if that connection is only with myself on a deeper level.

I write because I don’t have the answer. I write because there are not always answers, sometimes there are only statements and stories and truths. My story is still going, and it is nowhere near complete. I am not near my ending, both in the dark sense and the superficial sense. I will continue living and continue writing and continue sharing my truth. My story is also not over in the aspect that it is not tied up with a pretty bow. I am not a success story, I am only a story. I do not know what happens next, but I invite you along for the ride. 

Come with me as I write my story. I am blessed with love from a community of tangental connections, people who are reaching out across screens to offer support. And when you are ready, I invite you to share your story as well. We are all living stories of the beauties of humanity. Come with me; let us live and tell our stories.

With love and strength,

Rivi

Fighting Depression, continued

I don’t know how to start this other than to say: I’m here. I’m okay. I’m going to make it through.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a blog post about my anxieties around depression. I wrote about what it had been feeling like to live in quarantine, my feelings of loss and lack of routine, my sadness, my hopelessness. 

At the beginning of June, I returned to work teaching preschool with strict regulations in place as California began to reopen. And now, at the end of July, I have made the decision with my therapist to go on medical leave until my mental health improves and the overall pandemic and political environment shifts. 

Everything hurts right now. 

There’s no “but”, no follow up that will make it all worth it. This depression is happening and it is painful for me, and that’s real. It’s a struggle I’ve know for over 10 years, and it’s back in a heartbreaking way.