Feeling Good, Or at least getting there

I know basically nothing about music, but I remember hearing this comment about DJs somewhere (probably on a podcast). The reality of being a DJ is that no one should be able to tell if you are good. Bad DJs are noticeable. But good DJs, who make the club or the venue the best it can be, should fade into the background and be completely unobserved.

That's kind of what my depression feels like. I've gone a couple weeks now without writing a blog post, and my journey towards mental wellness and stability is trudging along. When it's bad, I KNOW it's bad. I can tell when my medication isn't working right, or I'm in another depressive episode, or the world just feels too big and too hopeless for me to engage with. It's not like that right now. Things feel okay. 

Depression as a feeling

When the depression hits bad for me, like it has been doing this past week, it can sometimes feel like I forgot how to live. As though my life only exists in this singular, painful moment, when my body is unmotivated and my mind is depressed and everything just feels like too much.

My friend Talia told me once, a long time ago, that we can treat sadness as a feeling. This was back in high school, when my depression felt so awful not only did I not know how to live, I did not want to live much anymore either. Her reminder has stayed with me, all these years, when my moods dip down to scary lows. I remind myself this is a feeling, this is an experience, this is just one day. I have had so many other days. I have had so many other feelings and moods and experiences. It doesn't make it go away, but it helps remind me that it will go away. That this feeling is not my existence, this sadness is only all encompassing at this moment. I will move through this. I will get better.

So I remind myself of that in times like these. That the beauty of life is that it must change, that change is the only constant we have. And death and taxes too, but that's besides the point. So I ride the wave of depression, I ease through the riptide of panic, I succumb to the tranquility of rest. 

Things will be different. Even if you don't believe they will get better, at least they will be different. Emotions can be painful and feel like they will last forever, but they won't. Today is a new day. Tomorrow is another chance. After lunch maybe things will shift. 

Remind yourself life is ever changing, and even the bad stuff can't stay here forever.

With love and strength, 

Rivi

Trying to Treat Depression, Again

I don't know how to approach this topic other than being frustrated. I suppose that's better than being apathetic or being constantly sad, but I want to make my feelings clear. And, I want to have others who may be suffering something similar know this is an odd struggle but it is very real.

I have written many times over the past year about my mental health journey with depression while under lockdown and quarantine. By the time the new year rolled around and my mental health was pretty much the same, I decided it was time to reach out for help, from my therapist and my psychiatrist.

I understand we are in unprecedented times. I understand everyone's mental health has been taking a hit right now, and a flare up of seemingly managed issues can quickly become unraveled. That being said, I needed, and still need, more help. Medication help. Psychiatric help.

Because I did all the right things. In the new year, I started exercising again. I started walked a couple miles a few times a week, making a routine of walking to the UC Berkeley campus and sitting in nature. I was getting sunshine (too much sometimes, and I am now been diligent about wearing sunscreen. Wear sunscreen!). I was eating healthier, eating leafy greens and reducing my processed foods and drinking pressed juices instead of coffees. I was doing everything right. And still, I was curled up motionless many afternoons, disappointed in myself and sad with my world.