Coming Out as Asexual

Happy pride! Or, as I like to call it, rainbow capitalism month. As you can probably tell from the title, I have decided to come out of the closet as they say, as gray ace (on the asexual spectrum) as well as opening up about my journey of understanding my asexuality, my neurodivergence, and myself.

If you've never heard the term gray ace, asexual spectrum, or asexual identity, I'll give you a brief overview of my experience. Like many aspects of my identity, this is a spectrum and not a binary. Others experiences with asexuality can and will differ, but this is mine. This is how I am choosing to identify, and this fits my experience of my own sexual identity. 

I don't completely remember when I was first introduced to the idea of asexuality, but in 2021 I read the book "Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex" by Angela Chen and finally feeling understood. Finally my experience of sexual ambiguity, of constant confusion, of the frustration of living in a world and culture dominated by sex-- it all made sense. 

Like many other parts of my life, this was affected by my neurodivergence and mental illness. Was I asexual, or were side effects of my anti-depressants causing these issues? How could I want to be in a relationship with someone but never want to be intimate? Why did I have all of these crushes on book characters, yet not a single celebrity crush?

As I have come to terms with in the last two years, my best label for this is gray ace or demisexual. "Demisexual", coming from the term demi (meaning half) means that I am on the spectrum between typical sexuality and asexuality. Many people define it as only being sexually attracted to people you are romantically committed to, which is part of it. When I came out to my mom, I said, "It's like being asexual until I am romantically attracted to someone, and then I'm not." She joked, "so it's someone calling themselves vegetarian except for steak? That's not vegetarian then?" 

True, yes, demisexuality is not the same as asexuality. But to use my mom's metaphor, words and language only have the meaning that context puts in them. If, in this example, I was vegetarian except for steak, I would still check off the box of dietary preferences that said vegetarian for a meal request. In this context, the technicality of that I will eat a specific type of meat doesn't matter-- the point is that with the context, the easiest way to explain this to someone is that I am vegetarian.

Going off this, the easiest way to explain my sexual identity is that I am gray ace, or on the asexual spectrum. It's not to say that I am never going to get married, never going to date, etc., etc.-- it simply means that for my purposes, that is how I experience sexuality: I don't.

I am writing this for many reasons, the main one being that I want others to understand asexuality and the experience many individuals have with this struggle. Society pushes so much on us, how to act, how to be, who to love, that we don't ever take the time to realize we could simply reject it all. We can define something for ourself and create our own truth.

Many people who have come out, either publicly or privately, will talk about how they realized that when they visualized their future spouse, it was someone of the same gender, and that's how they knew. The dark truth for me is that during many of my formative teenage and young adult years, I didn't picture a future for myself. I was deeply depressed, resentful of myself, and ashamed of everything that I was. I could hypothetically see myself with someone of any gender, but that would have to get through the obstacle of me not being able to imagine a successful and independent life for myself. 

When I did finally, finally, heal, I came to terms with the fact that I deserved to live my best life and thrive in authenticity. And the person I cared enough about to spend it with was myself. I deserved to love myself deeply and authentically. I could finally accept myself for all that I am, all that I was, and all that I will be.