Help me, help you

This post is in no way an attack or a cry for help. This issue, of my community wanting to to support me but struggling to correctly do so, has been a recurring theme in my life. Especially recently, the issues rise with recent events, marginalized groups, and mental self care.

It has come to my attention that people are worried about me. It is justified. I have posted many sorrow filled Facebook posts and recent events around American politics have proven to be very triggering for my mental health issues. I will assure everyone now, for the record, I am doing well. I am an individual living in a changing environment, but I am not a product of my circumstances.

I have mental illness. Emotional pain and mental strength is part of my identity, and it makes up who I am.

I have chosen, since 2014, to remain open about my mental health history, my pain, my struggles, and my recovery. I have received only wonderful support and incredible kindness from my community. I have had people commending me for my bravery. I have had people confiding in me about their own stories, in which they had been silently struggling, alone. I have done my research. If you have a question about mental health in America, what to do in certain situations, or anything else related to mental illness, I can usually answer you with confidence, or at least point you in the right direction.

There is a difference, however, between offering resources and information, and offering parts of myself and my emotional well being. A lot of people don't see the difference. If someone asks me, when I am stable, where to find resources to understand panic attacks better, I am more than thrilled they want to learn. However-- and this is important-- if someone requests I help them so they can help me, there is a potential for clash.

What to do instead:



- Offer to help once, and then let it go. Once I know you can support me, I will ask if I need something. I am an outspoken and vocal young woman with a large phone data plan. I can and will reach out if I need something. If I don't, that's a good sign!! It's a sign that I am taking care of myself or that I already have the support I need. I do not need to be reminded to take care of myself. Don't worry.

- If I need something and I ask (and this is important), either help me or apologize and say you can't. By saying you wish you could, or you totally would in the future, you make me feel bad for asking. I am not going to be mad at you if you can't help me. Again, as I stated before, if you've offered support, I trust that I can turn to you as a friend. If you can't do this specific thing for me, I have a wonderful community around me who can. If you constantly offer to help and never follow through, I may start to doubt your support. Friendship and trust are built. They are two way streets and they need to be reliable.

- Be specific. It is frustrating for me to try and decipher what my friends want me to say. Instead of saying, "Hey, do you need anything today?", say something like, "I saw that you were looking sad this morning, and I know there's probably a lot on your mind. I am free today at 4 pm if you would like to come to my dorm and hang out." or "You said earlier you were stressed about schoolwork. Would it help if I came over in like an hour and we could study together?" By making a concrete offer, I feel as if your support is concrete, and it takes the burden off of me to come up with a plan.

- If you really do want to learn, don't make it a personal issue. There is a difference between "I want to learn about anxiety disorders and how to help someone with panic disorder" and "Tell me what your anxiety is like and talk to me all about your pain, because I'm curious."

Thank you for listening. This is probably the point I would apologize for being so harsh, but I'm trying not to apologize for the sake of apologizing. I hope this post can help you to help me. Because I do love the support and care I receive from my community. I need to have my community's intentions and support work to fill me up, and not to drain me down.

Stay strong, love to all, I'm always here. Rivi

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