I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. These were the only thoughts clouding my brain this afternoon as I lay curled up alone in my bed, shaking under my covers, in the middle of the first full fledged anxiety attack I'd had in months. Even now, as I have pulled through it, I keep reminding my breath to slow down, remind my heart it's still beating, tell myself I am moving through the fear.
I've been doing really, really well for the past number of months. I haven't posted much on this blog, as you may have been able to tell, but I have been doing really well. I have my own apartment in Berkeley. I have a job teaching preschool that I love so much; I look forward to going to it every day. I have a therapist and a medication schedule and a gym and a fridge full of healthy foods I cook myself. But just about a week ago, it all started crumbling around me. Between coronavirus, worldwide anxiety, and the news cycle, it hit me like a freight train all at once.
This too shall pass. I tell myself this during this shaky moments, when uncertainty is all around me and I am still struggling to pull myself together. This is just another bump in the road. I've been through obstacles far greater with much less hope.
I smiled. I just smiled. It was spontaneous, but I can feel the anxiety releasing more and more every letter I type. I am listening to an acoustic playlist as I write this, and I suddenly recognized an Ed Sheeran tune ("Thinking Out Loud"). I remember how much my sister loves Ed Sheeran, how we'd listen to it on long trips in the summertime. She's coming home. I'll get to see her soon.
The guitar strums at a nice beat through the screen and I smile with tears in my eyes. There are tough moments, but I am here. For every scary, paralyzing afternoon I spend watching the sunlight fade away from my window, I know I will come out. I know the nights are dark and sometimes scary but the morning light can be the best cleanser.
My shoulders unclench, slowly. I remind myself this is a process of uncurling myself, letting go of the darkness surrounding me. I have found a bit of light to clear up the panic, and it is stitching me back together.
I smile again. I think about cute, feel good videos where toddlers meet their celebrity crushes. About happy things, scented candles and sticker filled journal pages. I will get through this. Not just this anxiety attack, but the ones that will return again and again, a boomerang shattering me into a hundred pieces. But I am stronger than I ever was, and each day I grow stronger and braver.
Anxiety is not just being nervous for social situations or stressing about lost items, although it is that too. There are days and moments like these when it is truly debilitating. But I have my community around me, digitally, and I have love and support from everywhere.
I am smiling now. And that makes up for all the tears.
With love and strength,
Rivi
Some links:
The instrumental playlist I'm listening to: https://youtu.be/_UucPr2M-qU
Cute Videos:
Adam Levine's New Girlfriend (Toddler meets Adam Levine on The Ellen Show): https://youtu.be/k3aAl92_VDE
Jimmy Kimmel Surprises Bieber Fan (2010): https://youtu.be/AKEQwvaYI_k
