Content Warning: I will be discussing heavy themes around suicide and depression. Keep that in mind and please click away if you need to and take care of your mental well-being.
On New Year's Eve, Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md.) shared a brief statement regarding the death of his son, Thomas. The statement was brief and vague, not mentioning how his son died or the circumstances around his death, leading me and I'm sure many others to believe the death was not an accident, and likely self inflicted (drug overdose or suicide). The few people in the twitter mentions who asked about cause of death were quickly criticized, stating that if the representative wanted that information out he would have said.
The Raskin family chose to release that information, and I was deeply moved and heartbroken. And I want to share my own personal thoughts on it here.
In a loving but heartbreaking tribute, Rep. Raskin and his wife shared their son's journey with what they noted was a lifelong illness of depression, including his final note which confessed to his parents he had lost that battle.
I won't lie, reading the article and the tribute was difficult for me. Especially considering I am in my own ins and outs with bouts of depression, I didn't want to hear about someone who had lost his battle. While I in no way want to criticize his grieving parents for writing about the son they loved and lost, I did want to write something in response, from someone in a similar age who is still fighting, and still living.
We are in the "new year, new me" mindset. And while one may think that is a time of hope and would mean depression would be manageable, it can be quite the opposite. While the vaccine has been discovered and is on its initial rollouts, there's still a long way to go before this pandemic can be banished to the history books and dumpster fires it belongs. This is the part that can be most difficult for many people, myself included, fighting depression or other mental illnesses.
As I have written about before, I suffered with various mental illnesses for years, including and most prominently an untreated depression. In high school, after a bad reaction to an anti-depressant and my general neurodivergent qualities being perceived by doctors as mania, I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar II. I was prescribed a revolving door of anti-psychotics, battling depression, and holding up As and Bs in my middle and high school classes. It was only the support, love and complete devotion from my family that got me through that time.
And yet. That was not the worst of it. Somehow, that unending Hell of brain fog and slurred speech and shaking hands and side effects and lethargy was not when I wanted to die. Not really. Okay, well, maybe a little. I was suicidal for years with no real plan. I more just wanted the darkness to stop, the constant loneliness, the stress and anxiety of dealing with what I now know was a misdiagnosis.
The worst of it was coming out of that. When I was finally told by a fourth or fifth or "how the heck did we get this far with this many doctors and no one figured out I wasn't Bipolar" that I was not that way, that it was only depression and anxiety-- it should have been a relief. And yet, it wasn't.
It wasn't because that had been familiar to me. Depression I knew. Depression, the "curled up inside my blankets wanted to die but not wanting to do anything about it" depression. Depression, the quiet dull of a reality that I was not a part of, depression. Depression, bipolar, medications, struggles-- all of this I knew.
I knew how to want to die so badly. What I didn't know was how to want to live.
So here we are. Beginning a new year. Here is where I urge you to not beat yourself up just because 2020 is over and everything is still not as it should be. 2021 is still going to be hard.
If you have depression, maybe life might always bring up hardship whether you realize it or not. Don't put high hopes on big changes-- a calendar year, a vaccine, a new president-- because when those things come and you are still struggling, you may blame yourself. That is okay. It is okay to struggle. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to not want to live. But it is crucial that we must.
Sometimes things are just tough. Sometimes days are just hard. Depression is the embodiment of everything being beautiful and fine and yet we are still sad.
Reach out to your close contacts. Send love to the people who love you, because I am sure you are loved more than you ever know. I know I am. I know I have so many people in my life who believed in me when I didn't believe in anything anymore. You are loved, you are here.
Let's keep it that way.
With love and hugs and hope,
Rivi
Excellent post. I really enjoyed reading it and the information you shared is very useful for the ones who are still dealing with their depression. Article likes this encourages and keep motivating them. Thanks for sharing
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