As many of my readers, friends, and family know, I am a mental health advocate with lived experience. I suffer(ed) depression, anxiety, a misdiagnosis and overmedication, ADHD, and other issues connected to those diagnoses.
It's been a while since I've written about this, been a while since I wrote on this blog at all. Maybe part of me was afraid to reengage with the demons of my past for fear they may return to haunt my present. But that is far from the truth. As Oscar Wilde once wrote, "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future."
And so I would like to take this time to write a letter to my past and my future self, and any other individuals out there who might need these words. This one is for us.
Dear soul, dear person, dear lovely precious star of light,
Hello. It's me. I don't know who I am to you, or who you are to me. You might be a friend of mine from high school or college, someone I shared awkward glances with from behind my tortoise shell glasses. You might be the child of a friend of a relative of my mom's, and maybe this blog has spoken to you because you too are feeling hopeless. But you are reading this, and in this moment, we are connected. It's me. I'm here.
Unclench your shoulders. Try to smile. It's hard, I know. There were days in my past when all I wanted to do was cry. There are still those moments, when I feel weak and wonder why I even deserve to be here after everything I have been through. Still, smile. For me, smile. Just a little one. A half grin, a smirk, a little giggle. Try to capture that one moment when you smile and the dark world of depression gives you a little bit of light. When you still want to bury your head in your pillows but at least for this one moment, you're smiling. And that can mean everything.
You are not alone. You may feel as though you are, in a world of interconnected isolation, but you are not. You have made imprints on lives you don't even know you changed, and you will change someone's life someday again. You might have been a role model to someone younger, you may be an inspiration to someone older. Your life now, your life then, and your life as it will be in the future is filled with genuine, beautiful connections and wonderful moments you are physically unable to comprehend. But I promise you, they are still there.
Wherever life leads you, whatever follows your path, just keep going. Suicide seems to be growing in our culture and mental illness is rampant and yet so misunderstood. This is going to be a tough piece of advice for me to give only because I know how incredibly true it is:
Suicide does not stop the pain from getting worse. It only removes the opportunity for things to get better.
Maybe miracles happen. I don't know. But for our sake, let's believe they do. Because if you have to believe in magic to keep you waking up each morning, then let's pull out the fairy dust. Because whatever it is, I need you to believe as much as I want you to believe that it will get better, that things will change, that life is confusing and amazing and magical.
And now it's time to close my laptop and go to sleep. Time to shut down the world on my computer screen and crawl back into the comfort of my pillows and my dreams. And you too, my dear sparkling soul, your time is coming. For whatever it may be, give it time.
With love and strength,
Rivi
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