A couple years ago, in March of 2023, I received the autism diagnosis I had been suspecting I had for years. A couple of years prior, I had reached out to a psychiatrist, recommended by my therapist, who specialized in autism and neurodivergence. I had several zoom meetings with my parents, each of us giving our own perspective on what was clearly a lifelong struggle. Still, by the end of our sessions together, I was scared. I told the doctor I didn't want to know, I knew that because of my ADHD I was at least neurodivergent, and that was enough of a label for me. It wasn't.
A year or so after that I scheduled a meeting with just him and me, to confirm my suspicions. He explained that autism is a spectrum, and I'm somewhere on that autism spectrum. I felt validated in ways I hadn't felt in years. Finally, this diagnosis gave me clarity. I began working WITH my neurodivergence, my AuDHD (Autism and ADHD combined), to set up a meaningful life.
I found a doctor close to me in Berkeley and set up an annual physical that was five years behind schedule. I went to the dentist and repaired all my teeth, which had cavities and needed crowns and fillings galore. I designed a night time routine that could incorporate brushing my teeth for two minutes with an electric toothbrush while I emptied and refilled the dishwasher (solving two problems at once). I found a rock climbing gym a few blocks away from my apartment, that was open late. Rock climbing could be an individual sport (bouldering, without the rope), so I could build habits, go to the gym, do some climbing, and improve my physical and mental health all together.
This was a new path, a new journey for me. As I understood my neurodivergence, I watched YouTube videos and channels of women with ADHD and women with Autism, finally reaching the understanding of why I was overlooked for so long.
It doesn't make it better-- not by a long shot. I'll include my favorite longer piece about my main mental health journey being misdiagnosed as Bipolar and feeling unseen as a young woman with depression and creativity and struggles and joys. All the contradictions made it hard to fit me in a box, so the doctors just dismissed me to more sedating medications and unending follow ups.
And then I learned about how autism shows up in girls and women. I'll post some resources below for those of you interested in learning more. It has not been studied nearly enough, but as a society, we are becoming more accepting. Simply knowing I can describe myself as "neurodivergent" and have people understand that-- that alone is enough to give me wild hope.
For those of you unaware, "neurodivergent" refers to individuals whose brains are atypical from the norm. The world is built for neurotypical brain, just as it is built for able-bodied people and is so much easier for men and white people. To be able to meaningfully function in the world, I need certain accommodations that most neurotypical people don't need: I need earbuds or headphones in loud restaurants, I need time to decompress after social engagements, and I need strict routines and habits to feel grounded in my daily life.
I can get incredibly dysregulated, which in my younger years would mean meltdowns (crying fits for seemingly no reason, hiding in the bathroom in tears at loud events, etc.) and now it usually means I need time and space and clarity and options.
My parents now give me options anytime for events that could be dysregulating. For example, I will not be attending the extended family Passover Seder this year in Los Angeles. That would mean taking time away from my teaching work, which is something that empowers and inspires me on a daily basis. I would be sleeping in a different bed, away from my safe spaces and creature comforts. Whatever regulating options I do have, such as bringing my knitting or headphones, would be drops in a bucket of what I need to stay stable and mindful. So maybe I'll FaceTime in, or find a way that can work for my brain and body. But that no longer means I need to squeeze myself into difficult situations for the sake of appearance and social expectations.
Sending so much love out to the inter webs, for all my neurodivergent brains and all the hearts who love us.
Resources:
HowToADHD, a YouTube channel I have loved for years. It's hosted by Jessica McCabe, a woman with ADHD. She recently published a great book inspired by her years of work with the channel, which is now one of my all time favorite books
I'm Autistic, Now What, a YouTube channel by a late diagnosed AuDHD woman
The Thought Spot, another Youtube channel designed as a safe space for neurodivergent individuals
Divergent Mind: Thriving in a World that Wasn't Designed for You, one of the first books I read about neurodivergence, very meaningful
Aspergirls: Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome The first book I read that inspired me to start this journey into figuring out my autistic brain. Note: Aspergers is an outdated term with nazi and eugenics origins, but this book was written before that was widely understood. The content is still incredibly validating and meaningful for women on the autism spectrum.
I'll add more as I think of them, but I want to get this published!
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