I have a vivid recollection of having an intense meltdown at Oakland Children's Fairyland, because the ride operator wouldn't let me ride on the kids ferris wheel. I have held resentment ever since.
My family was there for a friend's birthday, and I was definitely older than all the other party attendants. I remember arguing with the ride operator, pointing out a girl currently on the ferris wheel who was TALLER than me, but he still refused. I sulked off angrily, my cotton candy dreams brushed away like glitter.
I don't know why that particular angry fixation sticks with me, but I have some ideas.
I've never quite fit into the age I biologically am. I was told throughout my childhood that I was "wise beyond my years", "an old soul", with "impressive intelligence". As I began college I reverted back to child-like wonder, rewarding myself with stickers for doing homework and selecting only the fanciest black gel pens for my elaborately decorated notebooks. I ate dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets and carried applesauce pouches to my college courses.
Not to mention, I am a preschool teacher. I currently spend my days and my life shaping little minds with love, and discovering the beauty of child-like curiosity. All of this makes for some kind of beautiful contradiction.
As I have learned more about neurodiversity, and my own neurodivergence, I have discovered this experience is quite common. My special interests and passions, driven by my neurotype, produce a sense of unbridled joy. Using teen cookbooks and resources means fewer steps and less complication as I develop new skills. The sensory comfort of squishy stuffies and the rainbow organization system of my bookshelf provide comfort and structure to my otherwise fluttery mind.
All this to say: never feel ashamed for what brings you joy. Take pride in the silly things. Lean into your passions, and follow the ideas that make your heart sing. Heal your inner child with nonsense and beauty. Find what makes you feel that unbridled joy, and soak it in.
With love and squishes,
Rivi
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