Finding my Path

Withdrawing from my CGU Master's Program

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out. 

This is a tough post to write. This is the post where I will be talking about my choice to withdraw from my graduate program at Claremont Graduate University, a highly competitive and intense masters track for Positive Developmental Psychology. This is not easy to admit, and yet for some reason I still am writing it. Because there is power and truth in personal vulnerability.

Living for the Future

Graduate School Anxiety and Overall Stress

As you may have heard, I am starting graduate school at Claremont Graduate University in Positive Developmental Psychology. I am pursuing my masters at the moment, with hopes that perhaps I would continue on to get my doctorate. And it's time I admit something: I am scared. I am terrified. I am overwhelmed. I am vulnerable.

Starbucks Routine

Enjoying a drink during a long hot day of touring London

For those of you who have not heard, I will be attending Claremont Graduate University, pursuing a masters in positive developmental psychology. (I have a blog post about it, if you are interested in reading more.) I moved back down to Claremont a couple weeks ago, about a month ahead of classes starting, in order to settle in to my new place and get my routines set prior to the stress of my new graduate program.

It's been about two weeks, and I'll be honest: it's lonely. Not in any terrible way, but at night, when it gets dark and all I have for company is my kindle and my knitting, it's lonely. 

But I'm finding ways to make it work-- ways that include my favorite morning blended ice drinks at the nearby Starbucks.

Speaking Up, Speaking Out

My journey of de-stigmitization

Dedicated to my inspiring sister, Shayna

For my younger sister's high school senior project, she decided to record and present stories of mental illness in an attempt to further de-stigmatize our community discussion around mental illness. I could not be prouder or more impressed by her final project and presentation, in which she also spoke of her personal struggles with chronic anxiety and the pain she suffered watching me suffer all those years ago.

Shayna spoke of the pain she held onto as she was forced to stay silent, hold in this family secret of how badly I was doing. We told no one of my diagnosis, out of fear of judgement and isolation. Shayna had to spend long hours in the waiting room of doctor's offices, alone and lonely, holding so many secrets and the stigma and forced to grow up before she even hit puberty.

Reflections on American Democracy

"SHOW ME WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE!" a middle aged woman of color shouts to the hundred or so students, parents, teachers, and children standing at the base of the capitol building in Sacramento, CA.

It is April 10, 2016, months before Trump's election. Months before the country turned from the years of the first black president to to the years of bashing the elite, electing the infamous outsider and claiming he would speak for the forgotten men and women. 

This was back when I was a I was still a sophomore in college, attending the ACLU conference as a part of the Pitzer in Ontario academic field learning program. We had driven up in a large charter bus from southern California, forming study groups with names like "The Justice League". This was a weekend of Thai food and cafeteria sandwiches, of workshops and dancing and lobbying senator (...'s assistants). 

I decided I couldn't be a politician, because the meetings looked long and mundane and I couldn't see a single person knitting in that whole auditorium of senators and congress people. I thought maybe I could get into political advocacy; after all, I was skilled at writing and research, and I wanted to make a difference. Visiting the state capitol, hearing bills being passed on a tiny fuzzy television projection of the auditorium, I had hope. I had dreams. I had plans.

Quality of Life Planner

How the Erin Condren Life Planner Helps me Enjoy Life

In a recent post, I talked about how using a bullet journal helped me to become more flexible, less frustrated, and overall more creative and open-minded. In this post, I will be continuing the series, and talking about how using the Erin Condren Life Planner helps to enhance my happiness and quality of life.

This post is not sponsored in any way, all opinions and ideas are my own. However, it is dedicated to my Nonny and Poppy (my mom's parents), who gifted me this wonderful planner for my birthday this past March.

Implicit Bias Training

Today, most if not all Starbucks locations in the United States will close early for what is being called "implicit bias training". In short, they had a bit of a media meltdown after two black men were arrested at a Seattle location for doing nothing. Literally, their crime was they were doing nothing when they should've been doing something (namely, purchasing a drink). From the way I have heard the story, and accounts vary as they always do, these men had the cops called on them after asking to use the bathroom and hanging around the shop after being asked to buy something or leave.

This is a much, much larger issue than these two black men and one impatient barista. This is an issue of what is known as "implicit bias", and it stems from a long and troubled history of racism in our country. Implicit bias is similar to making assumptions based on appearances, or stereotypes based on group identity. If I, a white woman, started a fight with a black woman, a passerby might assume that the African-American woman was the perpetrator because I, a fair skinned woman, look less intimidating and less likely to pick a fight.

This is so much of a deeper problem and I am barely brushing the surface here, but the point remains: people make assumptions based on skin color, and those assumptions favor lighter skinned or white-passing individuals.

Bullet Journaling and Flexibility

How Bullet Journaling helped me go with the flow

Have you heard of bullet journaling? In short, it's a journal/planner/to do list method created by Ryder Carroll (who, fun fact, also has ADHD) to organize your life on paper rather than digitally. I learned about it 3 or so years ago, and before that, I was already obsessed with journaling and list making.

Here is the introductory video from the creator, Ryder Carroll

Here is my blog post on bullet journal basics

Both those links should give you a good starting point into understand what bullet journaling is. However, this post is a little different. I am going to talk today about how bullet journaling helped improve my artistic and organizational skills, while also teaching me some valuable skills about flexibility and perfectionism.

My Gift of Writing

I'm done. I finished the last of my undergraduate assignments this morning. I checked off the boxes, I planned my next week, empty except for some stickers.

And yet. I have this nagging feeling, one that comes up in my nightmares and my daytime anxieties. A feeling that I cannot make it. A feeling that I am not worthy. A feeling that I am not as capable as I seem to be.

This feeling, reminiscent of "imposter syndrome" started a while ago, and it has little to do with my impending graduation. For that, I know I did the work just like everyone else. I got good grades, I went to the club fairs, I made friends, I had an amazing college experience. It's not even a fear that I am not qualified to be entering a master's program in positive psychology because honestly, that has been the theme and focus of my college experience. No, none of those. I'll be honest with you guys, which I always have been, but this time it's different.

I'm afraid I'm not a good writer.

When you want to give up on life: Advice from a Suicide Survivor

If you are struggling, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is open 24 hours everyday

1-800-273-8255 and https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I am a suicide survivor. I survived years of suicidal ideation and one small attempt. And I am here to tell my story.

http://eponis.tumblr.com/post/113798088670/everything-is-awful-and-im-not-okay-questions-to

Okay, where do I start? Well, I think this would be something that those of you who read my blog would assume. Which is weird. The same way you could assume I enjoy reading and knitting and stickers make me smile you can also assume I've tried to take my own life.

But I am here and I am living. And I am eternally grateful to my parents, my support system, and whatever other divine forces and human commitment kept me moving forward into the future and into the woman I am today.