Adulting, In a Child-like Way

I have a vivid recollection of having an intense meltdown at Oakland Children's Fairyland, because the ride operator wouldn't let me ride on the kids ferris wheel. I have held resentment ever since. 

My family was there for a friend's birthday, and I was definitely older than all the other party attendants. I remember arguing with the ride operator, pointing out a girl currently on the ferris wheel who was TALLER than me, but he still refused. I sulked off angrily, my cotton candy dreams brushed away like glitter.

I don't know why that particular angry fixation sticks with me, but I have some ideas. 

Autism Acceptance

A couple years ago, in March of 2023, I received the autism diagnosis I had been suspecting I had for years. A couple of years prior, I had reached out to a psychiatrist, recommended by my therapist, who specialized in autism and neurodivergence. I had several zoom meetings with my parents, each of us giving our own perspective on what was clearly a lifelong struggle. Still, by the end of our sessions together, I was scared. I told the doctor I didn't want to know, I knew that because of my ADHD I was at least neurodivergent, and that was enough of a label for me. It wasn't.

A year or so after that I scheduled a meeting with just him and me, to confirm my suspicions. He explained that autism is a spectrum, and I'm somewhere on that autism spectrum. I felt validated in ways I hadn't felt in years. Finally, this diagnosis gave me clarity. I began working WITH my neurodivergence, my AuDHD (Autism and ADHD combined), to set up a meaningful life.

I found a doctor close to me in Berkeley and set up an annual physical that was five years behind schedule. I went to the dentist and repaired all my teeth, which had cavities and needed crowns and fillings galore. I designed a night time routine that could incorporate brushing my teeth for two minutes with an electric toothbrush while I emptied and refilled the dishwasher (solving two problems at once). I found a rock climbing gym a few blocks away from my apartment, that was open late. Rock climbing could be an individual sport (bouldering, without the rope), so I could build habits, go to the gym, do some climbing, and improve my physical and mental health all together.

This was a new path, a new journey for me. As I understood my neurodivergence, I watched YouTube videos and channels of women with ADHD and women with Autism, finally reaching the understanding of why I was overlooked for so long.

It doesn't make it better-- not by a long shot. I'll include my favorite longer piece about my main mental health journey being misdiagnosed as Bipolar and feeling unseen as a young woman with depression and creativity and struggles and joys. All the contradictions made it hard to fit me in a box, so the doctors just dismissed me to more sedating medications and unending follow ups. 

And then I learned about how autism shows up in girls and women. I'll post some resources below for those of you interested in learning more. It has not been studied nearly enough, but as a society, we are becoming more accepting. Simply knowing I can describe myself as "neurodivergent" and have people understand that-- that alone is enough to give me wild hope.

The Purpose of Diagnosis

As many of you may know, a couple of years ago I was enrolled in a master's program for expressive arts therapy. It seemed like a really perfect fit, but many of the topics we covered hit too close to home and triggered me into distress. By the middle of the second semester, I was also doubtful that I would be able to continue this work professionally. It was heavy and emotionally taxing work, and as a neurodivergent woman, I already carried enough on a daily basis.

Still, I am very proud of some of the essays I wrote and I wanted to share them. This paper was for my psychopathology and psychological assessment course, and reflects on the role of diagnosis from a personal and professional lens. I hope you enjoy, and maybe can relate with some of my experiences and findings. And, for the record, I got a perfect score :)

Reflection Paper 1

Rivi Dollinger

January 28, 2024

MCP 5108: Psychopathology & Psychological Assessment

Introduction and Personal History

If you knew me a decade ago, you would never recognize me today. Due to various mental health issues and serious challenges surrounding my own misdiagnosis, I was a shell of the person I am today. My misdiagnosis destroyed me. An accurate diagnosis, however, led to remarkable levels of growth, meaningful work, and self actualization.

Needless to say, I have very mixed feelings on the role of diagnosis, and deeply personal experiences with the benefits and pitfalls of the diagnostic process. Because of my own experience with misdiagnosis and overmedication, I am quite hesitant around the blind support of our current biomedical model. As an adolescent, I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I am sure there are many reasons why this happened– a lack of understanding around the presentation of autism in women, mistaking emotional dysregulation for psychotic mood swings, and numerous other causes. But in the end, whatever the reasons, it was because of this diagnostic process, specifically, that I suffered for years. I was given antipsychotics with numerous side effects, and seen more as a collection of symptoms rather than as a full person.